Archive for the ‘Ask Banji’ Category


Summary – Do not immunize your demotivation

It’s been a while since I last answer questions from readers . A new friend of mine, Evan was discussing with me on an interesting topic, which is on how to stay motivated.

Basically Evan knows what he want and he wants to take control of his life, trying to get back in shape, get better grades and be more organized. However, the problem is after a while of working on that, he will lose motivation and everything’s back to square one. To start back the whole routine is very tiring. Where did he go wrong?

I’m not going to list down motivational tools. Instead I’m planning to go into an area not popularly approached but nevertheless equally important, which are the rules of staying motivated. Yes, there are rules.

How many of us actually read motivational books and blogs, or go to seminar and feeling all fired up to start gaining control of our life, when suddenly after a few weeks, we return back to our original condition, unmotivated and lazy.

I know I have.

This is what I think happened. There are two hidden rules in all motivation. Allow me to explain.

Rule 1 : You must want to feel motivated

All motivation require us to actually want to change. But what happen when we don’t actually like the feeling of motivated itself. Everything is already a failure even before we start.

You must first want to feel motivated. Not to change but to be motivated. Believe me, everything will change once you have that desire to feel motivated.

My personal suggestion is for you to have a mantra set in your mind. “I want to feel motivated” or “I love being motivated” should do the trick.

Rule 2 : Never Use Motivational Tools When You Are Not Complying Rule 1.

This is quite complex. But let me give you an example. Has any doctors ever told you that when you were prescribed with antibiotics, you should finish all of the medicine even though you are cured. Why? Because, by not finishing your antibiotics, the virus/germ will only be weaken and not completely killed. If they survived, they will become more immuned to the medicine. And that’s why sometimes you will need a stronger dosage of medicine.

The same goes to motivation. This is our medicine. However, if you really don’t want to feel motivated yet you still read those motivation stories for example, you will definitely not be motivated afterward since you just don’t want it.

In the end, slowly you will feel that these stories no longer work to motivate you. And you will start looking for other means to motivate you.

My personal suggestion is to only read motivational stories when you really want to be inspired. Don’t read them and then just procrastinate things. Do this : Whenever you read any motivational stories, get up immediately and do something about it. Don’t be immunized by not taking action immediately.

Hopefully this will weaken the virus inside 🙂

– I wonder –
What are your personal tips to stay motivated

——— Personal Note ———-
I always like to use the sand in a cup of water approach. Sand will always settle down at the bottom of the cup. We have no choice but to regularly stir the water to get the sand occupying the water volume evenly. The same goes to motivation and other things in life. It’s one of those thing that we must keep doing. The sand doesn’t stay float forever.

Oh ya, to everyone reading, feel free to contact me should you have any questions. I’m not claiming I will have the answers, but I will definitely offer my best insight on them 🙂

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Summary – A question : How to help the guy figure out his feeling?

A friend of mine who wants to remain anonymous had emailed me quite a long time ago, about a month or so. To her, I want to apologize for being very late in answering your question. Rest assured, any emails sent to me will be answered. And any requested post will be entertained (of course within reason)

She had asked me a question, and she really hopes that everyone reading can give her a point or two on how to solve this problem of hers.

Basically she had fall for a guy she knew. She had not meet him in person but only knew him from the chatting channel on ASTRO.

Describing the guy
She wrote that he is a very good listener and is very caring. In addition to that, they both share the same interest and thus the chemistry.

The problem
This guy apparently is giving mixed signal altogether. Sometimes he will be so loving and romantic, another time.. it’s as if he does not even care about maintaining the relationship.

The question
What can she do to help the guy figure out his feeling towards her? Whether he’s in love with her or he’s not… Whatever it is, I believe she will be able to handle it.. She just need to know which

/end question

To honour her request, I will only give my opinion on the matter in the comment section. Most probably towards the end of the day 🙂

So guys… here we have a friend in need of help, I’m sure you guys have brilliant advice to give. I, on her behalf, really appreciate it 🙂

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Summary – How to be happy when you are single?

Yesterday, I wrote an entry on the secret to be happy in a relationship. Ms Tic and Ms aRa had requested a post on how single people too can be happy. I find this quite challenging since, there is no way I can highlight the happiness of being single, without indirectly saying that being in a relationship is less happy.

That is why I’m not going to go through that route. 🙂 In fact the answer to the question is quite simple. As I previously clarified, the happiness for a couple in a relationship is when they are happy with each other. Logically, the happiness for a single (not in a relationship) person will depend on how happy he is with himself.

We can list down the many tips to become happy, but the truth is as long as we’re not happy with our own self, we will never be truly happy.

Aha! now the big question.. how exactly can we be happy with our own self? the answer to this question go beyond the scope of “single” person. Maybe these points will help.

1) Appearance

I know it’s very classic. But some people still feel ugly when looking in the mirror. Now I cannot solve this issue in one paragraph. That will require a whole book or something :). But in short, we feel ugly because basically we want acceptance from people around us. That’s where we are wrong. To hell with those people! We have no control of our appearance (most of them). It is a gift created by Allah, and if people can’t accept it, that is between them and Him. And boy.. you don’t want to argue with Him. Accept that.. and start enjoying life.

2) Life

Another very wide factor. You are not happy with your life, they are very predictable and it seems that there is no future. “Future is never there to be lived, it has to be made” – My very own quote 🙂

I know that sometimes life can be so unfair. You worked so hard to get a promotion when other lazy people is getting it. Definitely not fair… So what do you want to do about it? Quit your job? Go speak to your manager? Any action is good. why? because you are shaping your future yourself. Now the problem is when you didn’t do anything about your life and just complain.

I believe you will find my entry on the donkey interesting

3) Relationship

Everytime I wrote the points, I was actually saying “My god! such a broad topic” 🙂 I guess the key point when talking about relationship is that, “we do what we can.. and if that person choose not to be friend with us, so be it.” Everyone like to have friends, Me especially.. But what can we do if that one person just don’t have the desire to be a friend. Their mind are theirs to control, not ours.

/end list

I chose the three major factors that may influence the happiness of a person. I’m sure you will be able to list down the remaining factors. It is important to know that, these factors are never meant for “single” people. They are actually intended to all of us.

I hope as basic as it is, the guide will help shed some lights to us. Do tell, are you currently happy with yourself? If not, what is it about you that you are not happy?

Conclusion – To be happy, we must be happy. Start by accepting our appearance (strength and flaw), Work on our life and lesser thinking of other people’s opinion on you.

—————- Personal Note —————–
I love the donkey story. Somehow it stuck in my mind anytime shit happens 🙂 Definitely helps..

Another good way to be happier with yourself is actually to ask for it. Ask from Allah to be happier. InsyaAllah things will start getting easier in life.. See you guys tomorrow!

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Summary – Requested post on how to know he’s the one?

Do you have some free time? Maybe we can help a good friend of mine Ms Azuwachan with her question.

Problem – She is currently in doubt with her feeling. She is not sure whether or not she is in love with this person or not. so she asked “How to make sure that you REALLY like someone” and how should she best handle the situation.

Pondering about this does bring up lots of memories hehe. This is what I think about it.

1) You are on the right track
Love really is the most mysterious thing in the world. People have been discussing on what love really is since the beginning of time itself. So don’t be surprised if you are confused. Everybody knows that love exist, but nobody can really put a definition on love.

Being confused on your feeling is actually a good thing. With other friends, you either like or dislike, period. Bestfriends maybe you like more. But to this person, it will be very confusing. He makes you feel so comfortable like a friend, but most of the time, he makes you feel special. And when he did something bad, the hate and sadness can sometimes be very overwhelming. Seriously that is one of the key indication that you are in love with the guy. But of course there is other factor involved.

2) Eliminate what he’s not
There are some things in a relationship that may have the same effect as love. They are not love per se, but they can be mistakenly felt like love. So let’s try to eliminate them

  • Is he just a crush?

Crush is actually the same as instant love. You see him, and you felt in love completely… Now how to know whether it is a crush or not? Just check if you know anything about the guy. Crush almost always happen without you having the slightest information on the guy. For example, a crush with the new boy in school.

  • Is it due to gratitude?

Sometimes, people go to great deals to help you, with no expectation to get rewarded. You can sometimes feel like owing so much from him that you may feel like liking him more. That’s not love, that’s just your subconcious mind trying to reduce the feeling of gratitude. So check yourself, you will know the answer once you know the question.. (wow very abstract of me)

  • Is it due to him being famous? (Edited)

Some people is just so good with people, and they instantly can attract others to like them with their sense of humor, or their knowledge. Usually they are quite famous with people around then. We may like them so much (because they are simply very likeable) that we confused the feeling with love.

There are other factors but I think these three are the most important ones. Usually when we’ve already eliminate these factors, it will be clear that you love him for no apparent reason. Usually that is love 🙂

3) Love is no point 1, point 2 and point 3

All said, love is never a matter we can explain. You love someone, you just know it. You define yourself what is love to you and you honor it. Up until now, I can never describe what I love about my wife. Maybe I can describe them, but believe me the list will be a never ending ones, because I love everything about her, the good and bad and how they complete me.

So answering your question simply, I think if he is special enough that you overcame your shyness and asked in your blog, he is REALLY that special. Give him a chance, but be wise…. 🙂

————–Personal Note————-
I’m sure all friends have more interesting ideas on the big question. Do share..For me, it is always better to give a chance to 10 wrong people, than to miss that one who is the one. – My quote eheh

Thanx for those requesting my opinion on a topic, I can promise that every request will be entertained, if I have any opinion on the matter of course. So I welcome any suggestion. Next request would be from UncleJ on Nurin’s case.. Please allow me some time ya uncle 🙂 <p

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