Summary – Why do things that do not make any sense in a relationship?

The Story

It’s a typical love story. Boy meets Girl, Boy fall in love with Girl, Boy don’t know how to treat Girl, Boy and Girl break up.

The break up can be due to a lot of reasons. I am going to use this scenario though to elaborate.

In the mind of the Boy :”I must not show that I’m weak, she will never like me if I’m weak. I shouldn’t say that I love her. That is a sign of weakness and romantic. No girls will like me then.”

In the mind of the Girl :”All I need is a small gesture of affection. Does he even like me? He doesn’t even say hi to me when we met just now. Am I wasting my time waiting for him to approach me?”

Does this relationship makes sense to you?

Why do we do things that do not make any sense. If the boy really likes the girl, he should have said so. Or at least gave out hints of his feeling. Pretending that she does not exist just to look cool in front of her doesn’t make sense at all.

The Bigger Application

No worries. Almost everyone will do things that do not make any sense every once in a while. Some typical examples of things we do in a relationship that do not make sense are such as:

I don’t think I need to put it in words that this applies to both man and woman. We do a lot of things that do not make any sense in our relationship. We should take note of them and do something about it.

Change a few things in your relationship today that will make more sense to you. If you love her, tell her exactly that. Don’t hide that emotion from her.

If you want him to adore you, be someone he can adore. He will just be annoyed if you keep annoying him. It’s as simple as that.

- I wonder -
What else doesn’t make sense in a relationship?

———— Personal Note ————
During my early days of blogging, I must admit that I had some trouble balancing my time between blogging and family. Fortunately for me, the mrs was very understanding and supportive. I quickly learnt my lesson and adjust accordingly.

In the end, nothing is more important than family.

Photo Credit – DerrickT

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Summary – 7 rules we need to establish beforehand

Having an argument in a relationship is a very normal thing. In fact, it is a known fact that a relationship without any argument is most probably doomed to fail.

Why argument is just as important in a relationship?

It is because argument will make us see the better option in any situation. We are usually blinded with our own opinion that we fail to see another point of view of things. Yes, even if that other point of view is way better. For example, we may believe that children should not be given money. All of their money must be saved in the bank for their future. Make sense right?

However, your spouse may argue that by giving them money, they will value money better as they will now understand how hard it is to save. The more they save, the better things they can purchase later on. That is a better opinion, don’t you think?

So how exactly can we mould this argument to produce positive results instead? There is only one thing you can do, prepare for it.

Ultimate Rule of Argument Is Preparation

Always establish some ground rules before everything. Do you remember the time when love is all around? The time when she is 2 hours late on a date and you are still able to smile when she arrived. Try to sit and discuss with her these simple rules during this period of time.

Discuss this – “In the case of argument, how will the two of you solve it?”. The following are some suggestion on what both of you can agree on in this discussion.

1) Only argue when the argument can help you two become better people
There is no reason to argue about who’s taking out the trash. Somebody will still have to do it. If not, your house will start to smell. If for some reason you are stuck with this pointless argument, one of you should remind the other that this argument is just not worth it.

2) Never attack each other’s ego.
No man will stand being called a coward, just like no woman likes to be treated like a slave. Define each other’s borderline and make it known to your spouse. For example, the girlfriend doesn’t like to be scolded by her boyfriend in public, so the boyfriend should take note of this and even though he is not happy, he should raise the issue behind closed doors.

As long as we’re here, no name calling either please.

3) There should always be only one person talking at any time.
An argument will stop being helpful when it starts becoming a duet presentation by the couple. This is when the two scream at each other at the same time. Seriously, how can you know the problem when nobody is listening.

It will not help either if nobody is talking.

4) Establish that there will sometimes be one winner and one loser.
Obviously the perfect argument is when the outcome is a win-win situation. However, there are some cases when the result of an argument is one-sided. For example, if the husband has been assigned to be in charge of finance, almost all argument about finance will be won by the husband. You just cannot spend $1000 on both investment and buying things at the same time.

Set up some rules on how to be a winner or a loser. For example, the winner must always respect the losers. Laughing at losers is so 7 years old.

5) Agree on a third person.
If and only if the argument is going nowhere and both parties are not preparing to compromise. A third person must be assigned beforehand. Typical examples are like bestfriends or families. This person will then help the couple to reach an agreement. He will also have the authority to make a decision on the argument and the couple must accept it no matter what.

It is always considered a good manner not to involve the third person in all argument. He or she has a life too you know

6) Any parties can step away from the argument at anytime (cooling period).
It is very normal for anger to build up in any argument especially when it involves personal matters. The couple should agree beforehand that any one of you can request to be left alone for a period of time as a cooling period. Believe me it really helps.

When you are angry, your judgment will be clouded and you will not be able to see what the better option is. I can say that this is the hardest rule of all since anger will require all your strength just to contain it.

For more tips on anger management, you might want to read an article I wrote – How To Be The Strongest Man On The Planet.

7) Practise arguing.
This may be silly, but why not? Schedule a few time in a year to practise handling an argument. Try the cooling period request, or the third person, especially the no-ego attack rule. It can be about anything. Anything that the two of you are not in agreement. Remember, the aim is to practise these beforehand rule you established.

When the time come for the actual fight, you will know exactly what to do. And when the wife ask for a cooling period, you will understand and give her. Hey! it’s in the rule right?

- I wonder -
What other rules should be established about argument beforehand?

———— Personal Note ————-
Very recently, I had an argument with the mrs. A small one actually, more of a misunderstanding. And when we were trying to discuss it very seriously, there she was, our 4 months old daughter (Zafirah) smiling endlessly at us. And we actually stopped our argument to smile back.

We quickly wrapped up the discussion and solved the argument immediately

Photo Credit – victoriapeckham

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Lesson in life is best learnt from history. That said, this is a very interesting classic story explaining love and marriage. I’m sure many of you have heard it before. If you haven’t, I’m sure you will enjoy it. The story was rewritten based on my memory.

A wise man and his student were walking when they reached a bazaar (a street filled with hawkers selling food etc). Both of them were talking about philosophy when suddenly the student asked the wise man, “Can you explain what is love?”

The wise man smilingly refused to answer. Instead he took some money and handed it over to the student. He said, “Take this money and go buy me the most delicious food in this bazaar. However there is one rule, you must treat the street as a one way street, which means once you have passed a hawker stall and you did not buy any food, you cannot buy any food later from that stall. So choose wisely.”

The student excitedly went through the street. He was amazed with the variety of foods offered at the first stalls. He then wondered, “Maybe there are more delicious food further into the street. I’m sure”. He then walked deeper into the street, finding more delicious food at every stall.

After some time, he realized that the stalls at the end of the street doesn’t sell any food at all. They were selling clothes etc. He regretted not buying any food and had to return to the wise man empty handed.

The wise man told him, “This is Love. You keep looking for a better one, but you only realize it when you have already missed the person”

The student then asked another question, “What is Marriage then?”

The wise man said, “You still have my money don’t you? Now go buy us the most delicious food. The food must also be reasonably cheap. And of course, the same rule applies. It is still a one way street.”

The student went back into the street. This time he was very careful not to repeat the previous mistake. After about 10 minutes walking, he bought some delicious food for him and the wise man. He then returned back satisfied with that food.

The wise man then smilingly said, “This time you look for one that is just nice. You sincerely believe this is the best decision you have made. And even if there are more delicious cheap food out there, you will still be happy with this one. That, my son, is Marriage.”

/end story

- I wonder -
What do you think? Does it describe Love and Marriage accurately. Let’s discuss

———– Personal Note ————-
I’m not sure about other countries, but here in Malaysia, every year during Ramadhan (Muslim’s fasting month), we will have a lot of Ramadhan Bazaar specifically selling food for us to break our fast. You can find all the rare delicacies, a lot of which can only be found during Ramadhan. It has now become a culture shared not only by muslim but with all races and religion. Beautiful

Photo Credit – Erwin

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About Safety Valves

Allow me to introduce you to the three most important equipments in my mill : The safety valves. Bear with me for a while as I explain them.

There is a boiler in my mill, which generally produces power to run the mill. During operation, the pressure inside the boiler will go up as high as 30 Bar (that is equivalent to 30 times atmospheric pressure). In short, if the boiler pressure continues to rise there is a chance that the boiler will explode. I’m afraid that if that happened Lesson In Life will most probably no longer be updated.

Luckily we have the three safety valves. If at anytime the pressure inside the boiler go up to 32 Bar, the first valve will be opened automatically, releasing the pressure. And if that didn’t reduce the pressure, the remaining two will take over.

Why am I telling you this? I believe that we too need to install some of these safety valves to our heart. It may prove useful someday especially when our negative emotion has reached its critical point.

Why Do We Need Safety Valves At Our Heart

Our emotion is a very powerful element. It can bring both the best and the worst in us, Emotion like anger, hate, frustration can usually build up inside from time to time. And when it reach its critical state and explode, there is a chance that our nearest friend, who may very well be innocent, will be at the receiving end.

How will you feel if your best friend suddenly yell at you in public, cursing and humiliating you? Even if he apologize later, will that make everything better?

The whole objective of installing these safety valves to our heart is to set up a safe place or ways to channel all our feeling. A place that is far from friends and family. A way that whenever you unleash all those emotion, nobody gets hurt.

How to do this? Unfortunately you will have to figure your unique way yourself. When involving emotion, everybody will have to create their own manual. However, if you are still clueless about what to do, here’s a few example to get you started.

Recommended Personal Safety Valves To Try.

• Chat with a stranger on instant messenger. Let it all out. Try to choose one that is on idle. When he get back from toilet, he will have an earfull

• Create a secret blog. Change the character’s name and tell the world your story. Whether you want to promote the blog or not, it’s totally up to you.

• Yell to the sea. This is classic. If there is no sea, a tree will do. Try not to punch the tree. We are trying to let the pain heals, not creating new pain.

• Do one selfless act. Help a blind crossing the road, or offer to paint the house. If you still not feeling better, do another. Selfless act never fail to make you feel better.

• Run your heart out. Go to a jogging track and run like you never run before. The more intense your emotion build up, the faster you should run. Never run in a busy street though. You might get hit by a car. Even though that may solve one’s problem, don’t.

• Reciting your list of life’s priority. When you do this repeatedly, you will be reminded that what you’re feeling right now is nothing important. There are more important things in life.

• Write to your newspaper. They may reject the letter, but somebody is definitely reading

Conclusion – It is very important to know how to react when you are overwhelmed by those negative emotion (anger, hate, frustration, etc). Know it by heart so that the moment you are feeling angry, you know exactly what to do. It is also equally important for you to try out that safety valve of yours from time to time.

- I wonder -
What’s your personal safety valve?

——– Personal Note ———
Today, there’s an engineer from the Department of Safety & Health coming for a visit to the mill. He asked me to test out the existing safety valves, making sure that they are working fine.

Somehow personally, I am never worried about machine causing an accident. That very rarely happens. Accidents usually happen due to people working dangerously.

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Ms Diha has asked me a question in the comment section of MBBDDH Attitude. First of all, thank you for the question, I will try to explain my opinion on the matter. To all fellow friends reading, feel free to add in to the answer. Together we can chip in all our experience to help each other.

For those who are interested, there is also an article I wrote on How To Know Whether He / She Is The One. Enjoy.

The question – “(Translated to English) How am I supposed to know that a guy likes me? He and I have been friends since primary school, and we became closer these few months. He seems to care so much about me and always offer to send me back to Shah Alam. Once he took a vacation oversea and he SMS’ed me almost everyday, updating his whereabout. He just recently broke up with his girlfriend and he said that he has given up on her.

So how do I know whether he really likes me, or I’m just a rebound?”

/end question

A disclaimer (as advised by my lawyer) – Everyone is different, and the method described here may / may not work for you. But I still can guarantee you that it will work for about 80% of the population of the world

That said, here what you should do

Step 1 – Sense the vibe
I’m sure you have pass this step, since you already has a hunch that he is attracted to you. This first step is important. Simply because the heart will be the first to detect if someone else is attracted to you. However, it may not be accurate if you yourself are attracted to him. You will then see everything he does as a sign of his affection for you. Differentiate this first, whether or not the vibe is from you or from him. And then move on to step 2

Step 2 – Ask yourself : Are you attracted to him?
It doesn’t matter if the world’s most eligible bachelor fall for you if you just didn’t have any feeling for the guy. So confirm this first. In your case, I can see that you are attracted to him. So you can just move on to step 3.

Step 3 – Is he worth it?
It’s confirmed. You can sense the vibe from him. He definitely have feeling for you. And so are you. Next you need to determine whether he is ok. You don’t want to be involved with someone who robs bank don’t you?

I admit the 3 steps will not help you to know his true feeling, but still the 3 steps are important to know what exactly you want and whether or not that thing you want is exactly what you need. Moving on..

Step 4 – Watch and jot down the signal
When I say watch for signal, I really mean it. Take a piece of paper, and write it down. If he smile or make effort to “accidentally” bump into you on his way to class, jot that down. I will describe why later.

Some other examples of signals a guy may do

• Going all out for you – When you ask for a call at 11.34am, he actually ask what time is it now according to your watch. And when you are sick, he may buy some hot chicken soup for you. You know what to do right? Pretend that you’re sick and let him know.
• Selfless act – Ask him for help in something he will not gain anything. Maybe pick up a friend at the bus station for you since you are sick
• Make effort to know you – A real love for a guy is when he actually make the effort to know you. He will notice what you like to eat, and what you don’t. He will take note that you are a flower-lover type or not (He may be planning to buy you flowers later on)

So did you write everything he does down? Let’s go to step 5

Step 5 – Analyze and return EXACTLY how much he gave you.
This is very important. Some guys go all out just for a friend. Some will only do that for girls he like. So how to differentiate this?

Easy, if a guy give you a present for birthday, return the favor by giving him a present during his birthday. and most importantly is to NEVER overdo it. If he send you an MMS, you reply back by sending him an MMS. If he introduce you to his friend, you do the same. EXACTLY the same.

Why the words “exactly”? Because a guy who has feeling for you will take this as a hint and will go all out even more. He will always want to show that he loves you even more. If you give him a present during his birthday, he may start giving present during Valentine, or just “because he thinks of you”

You will be able to see how exactly he is trying if you wrote down what he did the first time (Step 4). At one time, his action will just give him away and you can see clearly how much he likes you.

Step 6 – Be flexible
When involving human emotion, nothing is black and white. All the advice above may be spot on and solve your problem entirely. Or they can just solve nothing. So be flexible. Remember, a guy who is attracted to a girl will try in every possible way to show her how he feels. Your mission is to give him a push until his action give his secret away.

- I wonder -
Based on your experience, how do you know if someone has feeling for you?

———- Personal Note ————
Appreciate the question Diha, hope this helps. For everyone else, feel free to shoot me an email or ask questions here. I will try my best to answer them

Photo Credit – LinhNgan

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Rebecca [age 8] – “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”

Terri (age 4) – “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”

Danny (age 7) – “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”

Nikka (age 6) – “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”

Noelle (age 7) – “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”

/end quotes

It’s Sunday, and here in LessonInLife I don’t think anyone deserve to be stressed with heavy topic on a Sunday

But can I ask, how would you describe love? (The catch is you must use only examples like what Rebecca, Danny and Noelle answered)

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“The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch, swing with, never saying a word, and then walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you’ve had.” – Unknown Quote

Beautiful isn’t it? I received this quote via email from a friend and I ask myself – “if only I have 10 such friends, I will be set for life, no need to find other friends”.

But how can I find such friends? Here a few test that may help you figure out “best kind of friend” from “just friend”.

1) Ask a friend out for a drink. The reason this is tips number 1 is because we need to determine where we stand in the friendship. Just know that it’s a bad sign if everyone suddenly need to visit their sick aunties.

• He agree = +1 point
• He disagree = -1 point

2) Ask questions. One of the most annoying thing a friend can do is if he talk only about himself.

• He stopped sometimes and ask you questions = +1 point
• He keeps talking about himself one topic to another topic = -1 point

3) Deliberately pause during the chatting for 1 minute. Sometimes we go blank during chatting. I’m sure it happens to us all. Let see what our friend will do in that situation.

• He took the initiative and throw in a topic to chat about = +1 point
• He take out his cellphone and start sending sms = -1 point

4) Check his moral compas. There’s no point in making friend with a serial killer, however supportive he is friendship wise. Throw in some imaginative question like “What is this killer thinking about when they are on a killing spree?”

• He immediately show his disagreement with the killing = +1 point
• He proudly say that he will do it another way = -1 point

5) Plan a secret keeping test. This one you must do before hand. Get a coperative friend (Friend A) and tell him that you are going to share a secret with friend B. This friend A and B of course know each other. Friend A is supposed to check whether or not friend B will spill out the secret you shared with him.

• Friend A inform you that friend B doesn’t tell even after being strangled = +1 point
• Friend B publish your secret in his blog =-1 point

6) Ask for money. This is usually the ultimate test. When you ask a friend for money claiming that it’s an emergency, and the friend straight away lend you, it’s a sign that he is willing to lose his money on you. But of course don’t spend the money. Pay him back after a month or two.

Do not lose good friend over money.

• He straight away give you money without hesitation = +1 point
• He walks away = -1 point

- I wonder -
I’m sure there are more test you can think of. It would be great if you share it here.

——— Personal Note ———–
Be very certain that the fact you’re testing him remain a secret. Nobody likes to be tested. That can sometimes be seen as not sincere.

There are hundreds of people we met each day, and everyone can be our friend. But in this hundreds of friends, there will only be about 10-20 that fall into “the best kind of friend” category. And that is why we need to do the test, and determine who they are.

It really is a lost if you lose friends as described in the above quote.

Photo credit : Chrys Omori

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What would you say if I tell you that one of the most influential things in life is movies? To make it worse, these movies may have been defining how we should be happy.

I’m sure you watch romantic movies. If you do, most probably you will be familiar with these words

“You are my soul mate”
“You complete me”
“I’ve never feel whole before you”

To tell you the truth, I kind of have a soft spot for romantic movies. Only good ones, not the cheeky ones. And I love those great quotes. They are so beautifully spoken to express how special the spouse is, and how they are the ones that make you truly happy.

However I have a thought, that maybe, just maybe it’s these quotes that have been wrongly defining our happiness. Allow me to explain.

In all those romantic movies, they always try to highlight that the actor is never truly happy unless he is with the actress. or that the actress can only feel complete when he’s with the actor.

Again, don’t get me wrong.. I love a good romantic movie. But don’t you think that we should never put our happiness totally at the mercy of other people, however we love them?

And that we should always first be happy with ourselves. Anybody else, be it our parent or our loved ones will only add to the happiness?

I deliberately ask “Love yourself first?” in my summary as I myself am still torn between the idea of loving ourselves first or loving others first. What do you think? Do you agree with the idea?

—– Personal Note ——
Yesterday was quite an excitement, the mrs had an unusual pain so I quickly took her to the hospital to be checked. Apparently it was just false alarm

365 days ago, I wrote – Credit Card Scam

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Still in a mother’s day mode, I’m going to share with you an email received from a friend. A simple story that illustrate how a genuine love would probably look like.

“Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, ‘Yes I’ll do it if it will save her.’

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, ‘Will I start to die right away?’.

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. ”

/end story

You know you love someone if given a choice, you would rather die to let him / her live on. Would you give up your life if that’s what it takes to save your mother?

365 days ago, I wrote – Do You Know Uncle Pareto?

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Previously I asked your opinion on how a simple imagination of seeing yourself from a third person view can help solve marital problem. And today I will try to explain that claim.

But first, can I ask? Do you able to picture looking at yourself from another point of view? I mean visually. Seeing yourself smiling while reading on the net, or humming your favorite song, It is a very enlightening feeling.

So what does this have to do with solving problem? Especially marital ones?

This is actually the basis of “Conflict Management” practised all around the world, seriously. I actually learn this during my years of studying. Not that they specifically teached you to start closing your eyes when a conflict arises and imagine. That one is all me .

By conflict, I am referring to an argument between two person about a matter. One thing about argument or conflict is that everyone wants to be a winner and will not accept anything less. For example, arguing about how to do a job assigned. You may have your way and you think that would be the best way to approach it. Your colleaue however disagree. He think his method is by far better and you should agree with him.

Can you guess what will happen if the both of you are equally stubborn? Yes, the argument will last eternity.

This is how conflict management solve the problem.

1) Stop arguing
Literally, you must stop arguing to solve the problem. Both of you. It’s very hard to review the problem when all we do is defending our own view. Just sit down,

2) Attack the problem, not anything else.
Believe it or not, this is where all conflict starts. Yes, people can be so unproffesional sometimes.

It may first start like addressing the problem first, Let me give you an example. There is a machine in my mill (true example) that has been having problem. The bearing kept on breaking and this cost a lot of money, about $5000. And the manager obviously asked what happened.

The supervisor immediately blame the maintenance team, by saying that they did not do proper work when installing. The maintenance team however claim that the supervisor is tempering with the machine and spoil it.

What the supervisor and the foreman should do is to stop pointing fingers and look at how to solve the problem. If only they can see themselves from another point of view, they will see how silly the argument since that personal attack argument cannot have practical solution.

A practical solution would be that from now on, anytime the maintenance team work on the installation, an engineer and the supervisor will be present to help. Also measures will be taken to stop any tempering of the machine, like locks etc.

That goes the same with marital argument. Husband and wife arguing. Both are equally egoistic and will argue to the death just to defend that ego. Maybe the wife want a maid to help her with the housework. However the husband feels that the wife is just trying to order him around by making him do this and that, so instead of agreeing to find her a maid, he just ignore the request entirely.

The actual problem is not the husband’s ego. It is actually the fact that the housework is steadily increasing in number and the wife doesn’t have the time to work on those. In the end, the wife find herself a maid just to show the husband she’s right. And the husband obviously don’t like it. So the argument will continue on, despite the problem has already been solved.

Conclusion – Most of the time, when we argue, there is always a high possibility that the argument will turn to personal attack. This should never happen. A problem is a problem. It will never be solved by attacking other people.

The textbook method of conflict management is actually to take a step backward and view the problem as a wall located in between the two people arguing. The objective should always be to break the wall instead of hurting the two people.

———— Personal Note ————
I know, it is harder to do than to talk about it. People especially during argument will do their best to win. Still, I have to consistently guide my supervisor and foreman to work together as a team instead of trying to kill each other.

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