Still in a mother’s day mode, I’m going to share with you an email received from a friend. A simple story that illustrate how a genuine love would probably look like.

“Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, ‘Yes I’ll do it if it will save her.’

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, ‘Will I start to die right away?’.

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. ”

/end story

You know you love someone if given a choice, you would rather die to let him / her live on. Would you give up your life if that’s what it takes to save your mother?

365 days ago, I wrote – Do You Know Uncle Pareto?

Photo Credit – Viajar24h

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Summary – Conflict management

Previously I asked your opinion on how a simple imagination of seeing yourself from a third person view can help solve marital problem. And today I will try to explain that claim.

But first, can I ask? Do you able to picture looking at yourself from another point of view? I mean visually. Seeing yourself smiling while reading on the net, or humming your favorite song, It is a very enlightening feeling.

So what does this have to do with solving problem? Especially marital ones?

This is actually the basis of “Conflict Management” practised all around the world, seriously. I actually learn this during my years of studying. Not that they specifically teached you to start closing your eyes when a conflict arises and imagine. That one is all me .

By conflict, I am referring to an argument between two person about a matter. One thing about argument or conflict is that everyone wants to be a winner and will not accept anything less. For example, arguing about how to do a job assigned. You may have your way and you think that would be the best way to approach it. Your colleaue however disagree. He think his method is by far better and you should agree with him.

Can you guess what will happen if the both of you are equally stubborn? Yes, the argument will last eternity.

This is how conflict management solve the problem.

1) Stop arguing
Literally, you must stop arguing to solve the problem. Both of you. It’s very hard to review the problem when all we do is defending our own view. Just sit down,

2) Attack the problem, not anything else.
Believe it or not, this is where all conflict starts. Yes, people can be so unproffesional sometimes.

It may first start like addressing the problem first, Let me give you an example. There is a machine in my mill (true example) that has been having problem. The bearing kept on breaking and this cost a lot of money, about $5000. And the manager obviously asked what happened.

The supervisor immediately blame the maintenance team, by saying that they did not do proper work when installing. The maintenance team however claim that the supervisor is tempering with the machine and spoil it.

What the supervisor and the foreman should do is to stop pointing fingers and look at how to solve the problem. If only they can see themselves from another point of view, they will see how silly the argument since that personal attack argument cannot have practical solution.

A practical solution would be that from now on, anytime the maintenance team work on the installation, an engineer and the supervisor will be present to help. Also measures will be taken to stop any tempering of the machine, like locks etc.

That goes the same with marital argument. Husband and wife arguing. Both are equally egoistic and will argue to the death just to defend that ego. Maybe the wife want a maid to help her with the housework. However the husband feels that the wife is just trying to order him around by making him do this and that, so instead of agreeing to find her a maid, he just ignore the request entirely.

The actual problem is not the husband’s ego. It is actually the fact that the housework is steadily increasing in number and the wife doesn’t have the time to work on those. In the end, the wife find herself a maid just to show the husband she’s right. And the husband obviously don’t like it. So the argument will continue on, despite the problem has already been solved.

Conclusion – Most of the time, when we argue, there is always a high possibility that the argument will turn to personal attack. This should never happen. A problem is a problem. It will never be solved by attacking other people.

The textbook method of conflict management is actually to take a step backward and view the problem as a wall located in between the two people arguing. The objective should always be to break the wall instead of hurting the two people.

———— Personal Note ————
I know, it is harder to do than to talk about it. People especially during argument will do their best to win. Still, I have to consistently guide my supervisor and foreman to work together as a team instead of trying to kill each other.

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Summary – Are you toxic?

There’s a quote “all we need is love”. And that love will conquer all. that may be true, but there are many kind of love. One type of love will actually do more harm than not being in love. It’s called toxic love.

Here’s how to identify if you have one. Remember, these are all examples of toxic love.. not to be followed

1) Obsessed with the relationship
You immediately get angry if he didn’t call or SMS you last night. For you, he should be crazy about you and shouldn’t stop thinking about you. Only you!

Just wait when he forgets the anniversary.. That may be his last day on earth.

Healthy love – There’s a very fine line between being obsessed and being in love. One way to know is to see the whole condition from a third person’s view and imagine being treated the same way. Will you be comfortable?

2) Insist to be the same
You are a fanatic believer of “Couples need to share the same hobby and interest”. You insist that she should try bowling just because you love bowling. And when she clearly doesn’t like bowling, you threaten to break up with her.

Or simply you support political party A, while she support political party B. You keep babling every night to have her change her mind and take offense if she didn’t.

Healthy love – When you’re in love with someone, you should accept her for what she is. Not what you expect her to become. True that we have to better ourselves. That’s maybe the only reason to change.

3) Neglecting social life
Why does he need his friend when he’s already got you. He should have dump all his other friendship and focus only on you. There shouldn’t be any emailing that you’re not informed, or SMS behind your back.

Healthy love – People need some space for himself. Being in love doesn’t mean that he has to sacrifice other friendship. It’s important actually to remain friends with other people. It will keep him alive and sane

4) Unreasonable jealousy
She should give all her attention to you, not anybody else. If she had to choose between her brother and you, she should choose you. And most importantly, she should not in any way look at another man when she’s with you. If she does, she will have to go back home by taxi.

Healthy love – there is a quote that jealousy is the sign of love. I would add “Reasonable jealousy is the sign of love”. Jealousy will always be there when you’re in a relationship, but the more important thing is how we react to it.

5) Avoiding the unpleasant
When you’re in a relationship, you demand that only good things happen to both of you. You don’t want to argue, and when there’s an issue raised like he is actually a drug addict, you prefer to ignore the issue and pretend it didn’t happen.

Healthy love – When there’s an issue raised, both of you should discuss it openly and try to find the solution. Relationship is not about accepting the good things only, it’s about you and your spouse providing support to each other in those low time.

/end

Being in a toxic love is very harmful to your own health and the spouse’s. These factors also may be the one thing that will lead to breaking up between couple. So if you do love your relationship, avoid toxic love.

- I wonder -
Anything I missed?

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Summary – Proper Get To Know in Baby Steps

One of the simplest question in the world and yet comes with millions of different answers is this “How do you win a woman’s / guy’s heart?”

Ever wonder why the millions of different answers? The reason is because everyone is simply uniquely different. If you give a girl a flower, she may likes it and find you romantic. Another girl if given the same flower, may actually be throwing it away. If later on she starts to vomit, it’s a sign for you to move on

So how can we become the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife? How to know the correct way to treat each other? The perfect amount to treat/care for someone?

Well my friend. It is not an easy job. But the whole secret is this – Proper Get To Know in Baby Steps. Let me try to explain this method.

An example, it’s your first date. And you are afraid of saying the wrong things, discussing things that she may not like. So what do you do?

Things she definitely like
First try to talk about things that she must like. For examples, she is studying art. The most accurate assumption is that she likes art. You can try to ask her some small details about art. Whether the subject is hard or not? Don’t ask her to teach you art. She’s going out with you, not her lecturer. Just some small details.

Listen & Make a mental note
This is where people always fail. They just don’t listen. You of all person, should listen to everything she said. There are always hints in her conversation about other things she like.

It is important that you remember what she like. Why? I’ll explain it soon

Start Get-To-Know
Now we probably have some question in mind. For example, does she have sense of humor? what kind of joke she hated? This is where you will have to baby-step your way in. Put up a joke, and if she laugh, make a mental note of that joke.

Don’t immediately attack her then with your Giant Book of Joke. That would annoy anyone. So what happen if your joke is not acceptable or hated? Simply just don’t pursue that route. Say sorry and start afresh with another approach. Ask about other things you would like to know, bestfriend, hated lecturers etc.

If all else fail, remember that list of things she like? Use them back. Of course the reintroducing of the topic must be very subtle.

Then what?
By the end of the date, you should know a lot of details about her. What she like? How she like / hate to be treated? What topic is forbidden to talk about? etc

Just imagine you go out with a person who knows exactly what you like to talk about, do exactly what he/she is expected to do.

The keyword is baby-step. You should introduce anything in small detail at first, and if she dislikes the idea, just abandon that idea and move on to the next thing.

Most people already know about this, but most of the time they do 2 mistakes :
1) They rush into things

• The girl herself is trying to get to know you. Take your time

2) They do not listen

• How can you know her if you do not listen. And obviously you will be repeating the same mistakes over and over.

- Disclaimer -
The concept is NOT only applied to men. It can be used by both men and women, especially husband and wife, even between friends.

- I wonder -
Anything else I missed?

——- Personal Note ——–
I am going to tell you a secret. The first time the mrs and I date, I actually bought her a rose. When she saw me standing there with a rose, she actually ran away And after I caught up with her, (and after a lot of persuasion) she told me that she dislikes the idea of rose at the first date.

I learnt my lesson and now she is Mrs banji

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