Summary – Expect things to change in a marriage

Wife: You always carry my photo in your purse Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

/end joke

To tell you the truth, I don’t think the above joke is funny. But if you surf the net, you will find a whole genre of jokes all devoted to describe how marriage is the ultimate torture.

Marriage is some of the most beautiful gift given by Allah to us. How can it be a torture? Where could it go wrong? There are so many ways, and this is (in my opinion) one of the major factors.

When we get married, we sometime make the biggest mistake of thinking our life will be the same. It is not. If before we always have time for ourselves, reading books, surfing the net.. after marriage we must make room for our spouses. Everything will change, but for people who know this fact beforehand, they will gladly make the change, to live happily with the spouse. Instead of enjoying their time alone, they can now enjoy them together. These are the people who delighted to give room and compromise for their spouses and often can live the fairy tale end of happily ever after.

But to those who expect things to be the same, they will feel choked with all the room taken away from them. But instead of thinking on ways to compromise, they will blame the spouse entirely. They can’t read their favorite books, or go out with friends and they assume it is all because of their marriage. That’s why they will never find happiness.

The secret to all this is to compromise. Compromise means we try to meet at the middle when there is conflict. For example, the husband likes fishing but the wife doesn’t want him to go, However the wife likes to jog but the husband are just too lazy to do that. Maybe they can come up with a compromise, that the wife will have to make peace with the husband’s hobby of fishing in return, the husband will have to accompany her jogging. That is a good compromise. Try to strive for win-win situation.

This is our wife or husband we are talking about, It must always be our intention to make them happy. So please be considerate. We are all new at this, so give each other a break once in a while. The most important message here is that expect things to change in a marriage… all we can do is to adapt and compromise. We WILL live happily every after.

How About you? How did you handle conflict alike?

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Summary – Tips : Never go to bed angry

First of all, on behalf of my dear wife, I would like to say thank you for all the wishes. All those kind words and wishes are actually prayer (Doa). And we pray to Allah that we will be given the strength for the years to come and the same blessing if not more is given to you.

We are just one year old. Very new if compared to some of you. There’s so much to learn about marriage. And I sincerely hope that maybe you guys can throw in any tips on how to live a happier life as husband n wife.. Tips from bachelors /bachelorettes are also equally welcomed. I have met some of my bachelor friends who actually offered great tips. Maybe you read it somewhere or from your observation of your parents. Do share… however insignificant you may think it is. As for myself, I’ve seen a movie that actually gave a great tips to happy marriage.

Never Go To Bed Angry At Each Other

Argument in a marriage is very common. If you never come across an argument in your marriage, something is very wrong. So why we cannot continue the argument tomorrow? Simply because sleeping is when our subconcious mind works the best. Have you ever wonder about a problem until you sleep, and you found out that you know the solution exactly tomorrow. Or how dreams can actually show your innermost desire and guide you.

Subconcious mind is a very powerful tool. However like any other powerful tools, if used wrongly, it can be very dangerous. You see, if we go to bed, hating each other with the argument unsolved. The mind will start trying to solve the problem. Since the solution actually requires the two of you to sit down and talk, the mind will not be able to solve it. And thus, it will revert to the next method which is to write it down somewhere for the mind to work on another day.

Subconciously your hate and anger to your spouse will be recorded, and accumulate with more arguments. It will be no surprise, if one day, the both of you will see that there is no more love, only hate. Which is why you should never go to bed angry at each other. Solve everything before hand

If you know any other tips, do share ya. Let’s learn from each other.

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Summary – How Friday prayer highlighted the importance of listening.

Thanx for those who replied to my question in the previous entry. It is really a difficult question, I must say… to figure out what to say to the world. And the fact that the world is listening is not really helping.

If for example, you are asked to speak to thousands of people on a gathering, and you know for certain they will not be listening. Maybe you speak in another language, or that the microphone is faulty. I believe you will be able to kill the time effectively with your speech. Am I correct?

The fact is, listening to what people say is actually 40 times more important than giving the speech. Why 40? This is my personal opinion. If we look into the Friday prayer (for muslim), one of the condition that must be fulfilled for the prayer to be valid (sah) is to have 1 person delivering the “khutbah”, and 40 people actually listen and understand the “khutbah”. If only 39 people listen, then technically the whole group’s solat will not be valid.

There is no survey to check after the solat whether there is enough 40 people, or 40 people assigned to really listen. It really comes down to the individuals. They should know better that the “khutbah” is given to be listened and understood. Nobody should enforce you to listen.

Then there is a “hadis” always read before the “khutbah” saying that you must not speak during the khutbah, even with the intention to shh others. My personal interpretation on this is that, even if you are not listening, you must not interfere with other people who does. The message must always be respected. It took great courage to speak, advising and teaching people. If we disrespect the action, sooner or later, there will be no person to teach or advise. Think of the chaos that will do.

I’m not saying that we must be silent everytime other spoke. Both speaking and listening is important, that is without one of them, the Solat will not be valid. I’m just saying that listening really is 40 times more important.

Hopefully those who read this, will understand (listen to) the message.

————— Personal Note ————————–
I’m not trying to boast about what I do, but people do come to me asking my opinion on things, usually it’s relationship based. Not that I’m an expert. It’s just that I learnt from other people’s experience and make it a personal lesson for me.

The thing is, the people who I had previously advised on a problem, usually will come across the same problem over and over again. They just won’t listen. Yes, I completely understand that my opinion may not be the best, but he/she should at least listen and think about it. Not later come to me and say, “I should listen to you”.

Had this happened to you?

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Summary – Problems are meant to be solved not hidden hoping it will go away.

Today, one of the machine in the mill had a breakdown. When we had a look, we can see some scratches at the shaft (Actually there’s more damage to it, but let make this simple). I then asked “How is this get scratched?” The operator said he know nothing of it and the workshop personnel back him up by saying this is normal. I was surprised at the answer, because damage like that cannot be normal. Something must have cause it. And for the workshop personnel to say it normal means that they’ve encountered the damage previously but were lazy to follow up and investigate. They just replaced the shaft.

Yes, there is such thing as wear and tear in the industry but I know wear and tear when I see one. This is not wear and tear.

In short, we investigated and solved the problem. The reason I highlighted this is because it a typical practice for us to hide the problem rather than face it. Investigation to find the cause of the damage is very tedious and time consuming, Yes I know. But it had to be done. Or else the problem will keep recurring.

This is not only bound to engineering problem, but to all of our life problem. If we somehow hurt our loved ones’ feeling, usually we will just try to apologize or worse just sleep on it, hoping tomorrow everything will be back to normal. This will not solve the problem, instead the problem will accumulate until one time, all hell break loose. Unfortunately for us, relationship is not like a machine where we can just overhaul or get a new one.

So please, if we’ve hurt our better half’s feeling, talk it over. If talking and open up feelings are not a culture in your relationship, start it immediately. You (the man) will not be weak by expressing your feeling, but of course don’t be overly emotional. and you (the woman) will be better understood if you speak up your feeling once in a while, but of course as gentle as possible.

————— Personal Note ————————–
There is a phrase taken from Dr. Fadzilah Kamsah talk on relationship in Era on how to persuade your husband to do things around the house. Somehow I remember them. Caution – husband and wife conversation follows…Wife – Bertuah saya dapat abang ni tau, abg ni baik, suka tolong di dapur.
Husband – Iye? (Hati berbunga2)
Wife – Tapi kan…. kalau abg boleh tolong saya basuh pinggan.. lagi saya terharu.
Husband – (knows already the wife actually want some help with the dishes) Ye la.. I’ll do it for you
Wife – Tq

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