Archive for the ‘Relationship’ Category

How To Forget And Move On

A friend had written in her blog asking advice on how to move on after a break up with her ex-boyfriend. Many had advised her to start a new hobby, do things to distract her from thinking about him etc. In the end, she said that all those ideas have not worked and only making it worse.

In my opinion, she had approached the problem wrongly. In case you’re reading this. These are the most important steps you must do first.

1) Ask youself – Do you really want to move on?

  • The problem with people nowadays is we don’t really know what we want. We said we want to forget the ex-boyfriend and move on but the truth is we are the happiest when thinking about him. So ask yourself, do you really want to move on or not? Establish this first or any attempt to forget him will be useless

2) In order to forget, stop trying to forget

  • This is also where people usually go wrong. We cannot force our mind to forget. It will only remember even clearer. Take sleeping for example, try forcing yourself to sleep. You will end up stay awake the entire night. So step no 2 is to stop trying to forget. Stop immediately!
  • So what do you do now that you stop trying to forget. You learn from the experience. If your boyfriend is abusive, list down how to identify abusive people for your future reference. Learn everything you can from it and (THIS IS IMPORTANT) whenever his image come up to your mind, reanalyze your experience again. Do take note that this is a very difficult process. It is always much easier and happier to just day dreaming of him proposing to you but you should avoid this.
  • Remember, whenever you start thinking about him, NO day dreaming and start listing down lessons. Your mind will slowly associates the memory with “listing down lesson” and hate it so much that it will automatically stop the memory from ever resurface again

Try that, and tell me in two weeks time :) Good luck!

————— Personal Note ————————–
I personally love to listen to people’s problem when they talk to me about it. I usually prefer not to offer any advice but just an ear. After people let out all their problem verbally, they will usually have a clearer picture of their problem and its solution.

I personally love to listen to people’s problem. It usually will enrich me with the experience without having to go through them.

p.s. – How about you guys? How do you move on after a break like that?

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No Assumption

I watched the movie “Contact” played by Jodie Foster tonight. And one phrase caught my attention and if you don’t mind, I would like to share it with you guys.

The phrase is Ockham’s Razor. It says that “All things being equal, the simplest solution/explanation tends to be the best one”

Basically it suggest that the simpler the solution/explanation, the better it is. For example, you saw your current girlfriend dating another handsome guy in a mall when she actually know that you will be shopping at the mall that time.

Natural response would be –

  • “Is she cheating on me?”
  • “But she knows that I will be shopping here today, maybe that’s her relative”
  • “Maybe she knows I’ll be here, and she wants me to see her date to make me jealous”
  • “Still, she should know that I’m not easily jealous, so she may want to spice things up with me, introducing jealousy”
  • “Or did she trying to convey a message to take care of her better or else?”

The question will go on, until you forgot that magggi mee you are supposed to buy. The fact is all you know for sure is just that she went out with another guy. That’s it. All else are just assumptions. This is the simplest explanation you can come up at the moment. And according to Ockham’s Razor, this is the best explanation. It may not be the truth. But it is the best. So you may ask, why is this important? It is important because assumption is a very dangerous thing to have in a relationship. The danger is when you assume something totally out of emotion and you act on it.

The girl may be spending time with her beloved brother who just came back from oversea. Where as you may already start writing a break-up later that very moment out of anger.

So in short – Never ever assume in a relationship. If you must, don’t act on just mere assumption.

Actually the phrase is widely used in engineering, to provide the simplest solution with minimal assumption. I just find applying it in real life to be more interesting :)

————— Personal Note ————————–
Tomorrow, I will only be able to post from email, as I’m going back to KL.

It may not be that important, but I learn the “No-Assumption-Rule” from real life experience. For my wife, who may be reading this, No.. it’s not us. I’ve made some mistake like losing a friend because of assumption. You remember Nur Syikri I told you before. Ya well, at one point, I had made assumptions that he is talking behind my back about my secrets (way back in the 90s) hehe. Because of that alone, I started not contacting him. He may or may not be giving out my secrets, but I had act on it. And it cause me a very good friend. hmm do you guys ever did the same mistake? share it here.. so we may learn from each other.

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A bit rush, I just returned from KL. My wife’s uncle passed away 7am yesterday. He was a vice chancellor for UKM. anyway.. Alfatihah.

I can only make it to the burial ceremony. And one thing I observed is that a lot of people came to pay their last respect. Excluding the family, I can guarantee of at least 30-40 friends came. Obviously the deceased will not know who came and who did not. So I was wondering what’s the reason they came. And I believe it is because of their respect of him.

I then ask myself, if I were to die today, who will come to my burial ceremony? It’s not a matter of pride or anything. I will not be able to boast about the number of attendance to my fellow neighbours then. but it did show how many people’s lives you have touched, be it family or friends.

So my strategy is this

1) Strengthen the bond. I will need to strengthen the bond I supposed to have with my family relatives (menghubungkan silaturahim).

2) Touch their live. maybe find some way to touch their lives (a very broad task). for example, help them when nobody cares. visit them when they are alone etc.

*Actually family wise, I don’t need to attend any burial ceremony to know that family is important. “Family must always come first” has always been my principle in life. Still there is always room for improvement. It is very important also for me to stress that, we should never expect family to pay back any help we had given them. That’s not family, it’s already a “business transaction”.

3)Try to make more friends. So hi! (yes, you, who is reading this) Let’s be friend? :) I can be contact via the comments, shoutbox and preferably my email, which is banjiki@gmail.com :)

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Wedding

There is always this fear when we are about to get married.
  • “Is him/her the right person for me?”
  • “Should I just wait for a better person?”
  • “There are also maybe something irritating about the person that we fear we will have to live with for the rest of our life. Am I the only one who can see this?”

Fear not my friend. You are very normal as I believe all living person will have the same thought.

When people asked me this question (Yes… people do ask me this type of question), I usually just quote a phrase – Do not expect to have a wife as perfect as *Siti Fatimah when you are not any nearer to being Saidina Ali. *Siti Fatimah is the wife of Saidina Ali, one of the four Great Caliphs of Islam. Both of them are said to be an example of perfect husband and wife.

There are two points to remember.

  • Nobody is perfect. A marriage will be perfect if you know all the flaws of your spouse and still you loved him / her regardless, and of course vice versa.
  • Satan hates marriage. Why? Because it will be some sort of firewall for us from doing the forbidden /sin. They will try to sabotage the whole marriage by any means necessary. So most probably those doubt within you is just some persuasion from this nasty creature. A’uzubillahi Min Assyaithonirrojim. Nothing else.

Just think rationally with both wisdom and your heart, with a lot of prayer to Him (Solat Istikharah). You will know what to do. :)

* Correction made pointed out by flighteng. Appreciate it

————— Personal Note ————————–
I remember when I got married, the Murphy Law somehow applies. According to the law, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. :) Nothing big, just that some of the convoy got lost, and in the end… Only the groom (which is me made it to the reception). Luckily everyone arrive just in the nick of time as if everything is according to plan. I still smile whenever I think of this. Any of you guys have funny wedding stories?

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