How To Forget And Move On

A friend had written in her blog asking advice on how to move on after a break up with her ex-boyfriend. Many had advised her to start a new hobby, do things to distract her from thinking about him etc. In the end, she said that all those ideas have not worked and only making it worse.

In my opinion, she had approached the problem wrongly. In case you’re reading this. These are the most important steps you must do first.

1) Ask youself – Do you really want to move on?

  • The problem with people nowadays is we don’t really know what we want. We said we want to forget the ex-boyfriend and move on but the truth is we are the happiest when thinking about him. So ask yourself, do you really want to move on or not? Establish this first or any attempt to forget him will be useless

2) In order to forget, stop trying to forget

  • This is also where people usually go wrong. We cannot force our mind to forget. It will only remember even clearer. Take sleeping for example, try forcing yourself to sleep. You will end up stay awake the entire night. So step no 2 is to stop trying to forget. Stop immediately!
  • So what do you do now that you stop trying to forget. You learn from the experience. If your boyfriend is abusive, list down how to identify abusive people for your future reference. Learn everything you can from it and (THIS IS IMPORTANT) whenever his image come up to your mind, reanalyze your experience again. Do take note that this is a very difficult process. It is always much easier and happier to just day dreaming of him proposing to you but you should avoid this.
  • Remember, whenever you start thinking about him, NO day dreaming and start listing down lessons. Your mind will slowly associates the memory with “listing down lesson” and hate it so much that it will automatically stop the memory from ever resurface again

Try that, and tell me in two weeks time :) Good luck!

————— Personal Note ————————–
I personally love to listen to people’s problem when they talk to me about it. I usually prefer not to offer any advice but just an ear. After people let out all their problem verbally, they will usually have a clearer picture of their problem and its solution.

I personally love to listen to people’s problem. It usually will enrich me with the experience without having to go through them.

p.s. – How about you guys? How do you move on after a break like that?

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This post has 45 comments.


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  1. Noushy Syah
    03 Jul 07 9:22 pm

    When a relationship ends, the emotional aftershock can be hard to deal with…but it doesn’t have to be hell!!

    It can be difficult to stop thinking about your ex-partner, and the feelings of sadness and loss.This is of course natural for a time….but if you feel it has gone on for long enough, Getting over a relationship can help you calm those feelings down.

    I do agree with listings on negative point of the ex,or as soon as his memory haunted take a pen and let go the feelings on the paper, scribble or scratch the negativity and let go the frustration…in time it will helps the process of letting go of your x from the system.

    Soon after that the process of moving on started and be more positive about the future and the possibility of other relationships–>time frame depends on individual!!..:p

  2. k o r o m y s t
    04 Jul 07 1:28 am

    Same here. I don’t prefer offering advices. I just listen xP Really suck at counseling haha…

  3. banji
    04 Jul 07 4:12 am

    noushy – very true indeed, time usually the best medicine, simply because we grow with time, and as we grow, we will usually see things differently. however i think we can include the + side of the x also in the paper, we just want to train to hate the listing process and not the x

    koromyst – listening is always the better choice, unless we are very sure with the advice, nanti jadi sesat dan menyesatkan eheh

  4. azuwachan
    04 Jul 07 4:20 am

    kalau pompuan, mmg susah nak lupakan ex-bf. kawan2 saye sumer camtu.
    I think why it is hard to forget is they themselves do not want to forget. so that’s why la kot.
    sbb dah biasa mendapat so-called ‘kebahagiaan cinta’ dr some1 tu, so it’s just so hard to let go.
    too bad huh?? x(

  5. alfattah
    04 Jul 07 4:26 am

    yeah, to me, thinkin of the awful thing HE did really helps A LOT. It takes time but you’ll finally get over it…there’s a saying goes “you are hurt only if you let urself to be hurt”. I think it’s true…it has something to do with your state of mind… Nevertheless maybe some couldnt let it go merely because their ex was not that ‘evil’ enuf to be angry with… hehe… dat was just an opinion based on observation.

  6. k o r o m y s t
    04 Jul 07 5:20 am

    So, most are saying that girls are the ones hard to forget their ex-es? O_o

    That’s tough indeed. I’d say, ditch the lovey dovey dramas on air, throw away the romantic novels you guys own, wrap away the stuffs your ex (or ex-es lol xD) gave you.

    READ MANGA. WATCH ANIME. PLAY PS2.

    Wahahaha… xDDD Yesh. I do suck at counseling people *covers head with paperbag*

  7. banji
    04 Jul 07 5:35 am

    azuwachan – thanks for the testimonial. like i said, we really don’t know what we want, maybe also we are often told that to move on, we need to forget the past. This is not correct. Where would we be now if not for the past. learn from them… not forget them. kan kan :)

    alfattah – the saying you mentioned, I first heard in the movie “Princess Diary”. hehe ya i watched that movie. hm but sometimes, people break up not because the spouse is evil or bad, usually, there’s no spark or just plain no chemistry. What do you think?

    koromyst – heheh those were great ways to hide the feeling. The fact is the feeling is always there. But it’s true… that sometime those romantic novel can bring more damage to the already broken heart cewah

    a lot of anime also come with very romantic theme. :)

    p.s. Appreciate all comments… Let it all out here :)

  8. Rockafella Gurl
    04 Jul 07 7:39 am

    ahaksss… nice entry. (u made me cry la bro! haha!)

    ok, at 1st it’s hard to forget, trust me.. i really dont want to move on, coz it’s still haunting me.. so i juz let it flow..

    2nd, i list down whatever we gone tru before meaning the pros & cons.. i did.. i managed to list down all of it.

    3rd, never ever mix up wif ur prsonal & ur job. i go to gym, i hang out most of the time, i crap, i joke, i laugh, i cried.. but i dun do stupid thing like drink or smoke.

    Lastly, i got nothing to loose! Until now we still keep in touch, we buzz, we sms, we go for movie.. we learn from experienced.. there you go, if dah jodoh insyallah tak kemana ;)

  9. filantera
    04 Jul 07 7:46 am

    “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” Rose Kennedy.

    simple:cari jer yg baru h ahahahha

  10. alfattah
    04 Jul 07 8:55 am

    Yeah… when there’s no spark or no chemistry, then it’s easier to forget and move on right..hhihi…

  11. Banji
    04 Jul 07 11:04 am

    yanz – erk.. believe me, that was not my intention. I’m sorry if i brought up forgotten memory. However i’m happy that you managed to overcome it all with such maturity. Now that’s cool.

    filantera – nice quote you have there. There’s some truth to it. even though it’s always harder to find a new one, as comparison almost always will occur

    alfattah – :) no spark and chemistry are supposed to be forgotten

  12. lover
    04 Jul 07 11:29 am

    x pernah rase macam mana putus cinta tu.. tapi rasanya mesti sangat perit… macam kehilangan org yg kita sayang..

  13. Banji
    04 Jul 07 3:28 pm

    lover – hm lain org lain rasanya, ada yg rasa relief sbb akhirya selesai jugak, tp mcm lover ckp la, banyak yg rasa perit sgt.

    sekali dua ok la, kalau 10 20 kali putus tuh… berpinau mata :)

  14. zai
    09 Jul 07 3:05 am

    huhuhu.. this is good one..

    how to forget n move on?? hmm.. it’s up to the person.. they choose n decide.. simple..

    as for me yang putus tunang last few months.. yeah.. it’s not easy.. kenal 8 years.. tunang 4 years.. ahakz.. it’s hard bro.. it’s hard.. it was not easy for me.. to forget memang susah.. but i always remind myself.. i have to move on..

    i smiled n laughed i enjoyed every seconds in a day.. at times i do forced myself to forget about him.. but hey.. it works.. i think i know why.. coz i choose to move on.. rather then sit back n cry.. untuk i lar.. for other ppl i don’t know.. alhamdulillah.. i managed to go thru it..

    p/s: believe it i didnt cry at all..

  15. banji
    09 Jul 07 7:48 am

    zai – respek ketabahan zai kat situ, mcm zai cakap, it work because u choose to move on, ramai yg x sedar hal ni cuba lupakan tp makin teringat.. penat emotional trap ni

  16. amirahsyuhada
    07 Oct 07 5:13 pm

    dunno why today i step on your blog banji, then hahah, there is article about my today entry on my blog, break up.

    Baru terjadi harini, so masih berfikir how to handle this thing. The problem is, he not have much negative side, and we break up in really a smooth way. Just stop sms dan sendiri saling tahu apa yang dah terjadi.

    but thanks for this entry, banji. Now i know i am not alone.

  17. Banji
    07 Oct 07 5:35 pm

    amirahsyuhada – u are never alone. ramai org yg rasa sunyi sgt bile break, normal lah tu… yg penting kita kena pandai cari

    ngadu pada yg dengar,
    nangis pada yg hulurkan bahu

    things will get better insyaAllah

  18. 19 Mar 08 3:27 pm

    memang sakit bila breakup.

    time heals what reason cannot.

    :)

  19. banji
    19 Mar 08 6:50 pm

    qemmal – how much time is totally a different matter right? :)

  20. gio briones
    30 Jun 08 6:39 pm

    different scenario different approch in moving on, its so easy to do all the advices and all the tips that you’ll be getting from readin books and surfing the web, but at the end of the day its still you who has the power to find ways in moving on.. life so complicated

  21. banji
    30 Jun 08 8:01 pm

    gio briones – I agree that life is complicated. But I also believe the only way we can understand life is to simplify it. :)

    Imagine if we surrender ourselves to the belief that life is so complicated that it can never be understood. we will have no idea on how to live it then..

  22. black heart
    22 Jul 09 9:30 am

    What i’m going to say is sad but true
    if you really loved this person you will NEVER forget what you once had , you may move on with time but deep inside the memory of this person will always be with you becauce “inside the ashes burns an endless fire”. Everything makes you think of that person, it could be a place , a picture , a song and maybe just a word or a laugh.
    It’s been like 3 years and i’m trying to forget my one true love , i even had other boyfriends and i think i have feelings for my current one but when i see my ex and when we talk about our past or just talk about life in general i feel something real special, he’s the only one who can make me laugh even everything is wrong..he’s just the one i loved and still love. We say we are friends now but few days ago we were back togethere but broke up 2 days after. he said he found out that he loves another girl but i dont believe him , cause he told me that he never loved anyone after me and that he can’t love anymore. Love is not always enough.
    sorry for being long i just felt like talking

  23. banji
    26 Jul 09 10:17 am

    Black Heart – I totally agree with you. Any experience bad or good is defining our true self continuously. One should never forget an experience especially his first love. However, there are some people who are stuck with this bad experience that they stop living their life. They are haunted with this past experience and afraid to let go. I was hoping the post will be some help to them.

    Thank you black heart for the contribution. It is always a pleasure reading a personal experience shared :)

  24. black heart
    27 Jul 09 4:01 am

    It was my pleasure =)

  25. 16 Jan 10 11:41 pm

    how to forget my ex-bf..i dont wanna think everythng bout him lolhh aiyakk plzz i need help..im sick of this stuff

  26. banji
    20 Jan 10 9:42 pm

    Rabiatul – Truthfully, the entire post is my answer to your question. So unless you have tried them and still failed, I really can’t add anything to that.

  27. sara
    28 Feb 10 12:02 am

    one day my bf said me no boys love girles from heart.my god i felt dying.i think i love him .but i think he dont loves me.he just likes me as a friend.so im trying to break up very soon before i love him more.i dont know its true or not.

  28. 12 Mar 10 8:48 pm

    Sara – From your story there, I am assuming both of you are still young. If that is correct, you don’t need to be worried. He will definitely change his mind when he become older :)

  29. Dany
    29 Mar 10 10:53 pm

    Hey guys, I dont know what to do. I feel like I love this guy so much but I know that he doesnt love me back. However there are so many memories of us together that make me think that he did but then he stopped likeing me. And I can’t forget those memories. Over one year i have always been so sad just thinking about him. I never wanted to do anything fun. All I ever wanted to do was stay in my room and cry. Guys please please help me. I dont know what to do anymore. I really want to stop feeling all this pain but I am not sure how.

  30. tita
    02 May 10 11:11 am

    how about moving on not with your x but with someone u learnd to like the person but because ur married u choose to stop it..its just that im having hard time to stop communicating with him..coz i get used to it already..

  31. 05 May 10 12:52 pm

    Dany – Dear Dany, do not try to forget all those memories. They are treasure of your past that will make you wiser. All you need to do is to learn to let him go. Crying in your room will never help. Seek help from your friends and maybe your parent. You will be surprised to know how much people around you care for you.

    Tita – Sometimes, over time we will find someone other than our better half that is more fun to talk to or hang around with. That is really a normal thing in any relationship. You just need to establish that you just really want him/her as a friend. Try to stir back all those memories with your spouse to reignite the passion. Believe me, nothing worth jeorpadizing your years long marriage.

  32. Ashanna
    23 Jun 10 9:23 am

    what if your husband did something wrong. he courted another girl while we’re living together and have 2 kids? how can i forget and move on to what he done to me? but we’re not gonna separate. he loved me and i love him. i did forgive him but the hurt still remain.

  33. Anonymous
    04 Jul 10 4:41 pm

    i still cant forget about him. but instead of the whole i love him thing eevery inch of my body screams i want to kill him >:D but a little spot somewhere whispers that i should just leave it neutral…help…please…

  34. 18 Sep 10 12:32 am

    Ashanna – It’s actually normal to be hurt when someone you love treated you that way. It shows that he really means a lot to you. Since you have forgiven him, why not just try to accept that the hurt feeling will always be there.

    Usually the harder you try to fight the feeling off, the stronger it will get.

    Anonymous – I was actually smiling when I read your comment. That my dear is the basic definition of love. It’s when you love him with all your heart and still at times you can hate him just as much. Now how can I help you there?

  35. 09 Dec 10 4:34 pm

    I THINK THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY TO FORGET YOU EX IS TO LIST DOWN OL THE HEARTACHES THAT HE BRINGS TO YOUR LIFE..AND DONT ATTEMP TO TEXT HIM OR CALL HIM AGAIN INSTEAD DELETE HIS NUMBER WITH YOU FONBUK.

  36. banji
    22 Dec 10 6:26 pm

    REGRETS – In other word, cold turkey :) Thank you for sharing what I think is based on your experience. Appreciate it

  37. love?
    23 Dec 10 11:26 am

    I don’t know what to do anymore. There is this guy that I work with that is the most adorable guy ever! He is always talking to me and helping me around. I used to be able to text him to ask him questions about homework. (He is majoring in environmental science and I’m only in high school) but the last time I texted him he seemed like annoyed and I stopped texting him and he hasn’t texted me since then. I usually never work the same days that he does. But when I do he talks to me a lot. He always asks me what I’m doing over the weekend and how my day is and simple stuff like that.Whenever he leaves before me he always goes and say bye to me. So I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know what he feels or anything. What should I do?

  38. love?
    23 Dec 10 11:27 am

    Help me please
    I don’t know what to do anymore. There is this guy that I work with that is the most adorable guy ever! He is always talking to me and helping me around. I used to be able to text him to ask him questions about homework. (He is majoring in environmental science and I’m only in high school) but the last time I texted him he seemed like annoyed and I stopped texting him and he hasn’t texted me since then. I usually never work the same days that he does. But when I do he talks to me a lot. He always asks me what I’m doing over the weekend and how my day is and simple stuff like that.Whenever he leaves before me he always goes and say bye to me. So I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know what he feels or anything. What should I do?

  39. shaw
    11 Jun 11 9:49 am

    i have bf he abuse and disrespect me so much but i know he love me but he do many thing bad on coz of his jealousy, i love him and i know he love me his life now ruin coz of me but really everything now in upside down coz of of his wrong though, nowi want to forget him but this thing hard for me to do, all the time he is running on my mind, but i will try do ur way.. thanks for reading, god bless

  40. Anonymous
    11 Aug 11 3:14 pm

    I would like to share about my experienced about being hurt by a 53 years old divorcee man from europe and i am 31 years old. my family really disagree of marrying him but i insist and at last my family respect my decision. our plan to get marry last april until now he never show up and never contact me at all. know what i am worry most? i am 31 years old now could to late for me to get marry or what if i cannot find any BF in 5 years from now? God pls help me dont live me like this i really need family.

  41. lavanya
    30 Sep 11 2:15 am

    Hi,i was engaged ,he s the best man in this world ,i met him through matrimony site he always make his promise he lives in usa and i live in india we engaged in a month of may and he broke with me in the month of july ist week ,,he stop talking with me ,he stop mailing me he shows he loves me so much but at the end of our relationship he start saying i m busy i dnt have enough time ,and he broke the engagement by saying to me and my family that that my father facing some cases and he is clearing from 7yrs and he said that juge was new and put some restriction on me and he cant marry before 2014 ,and he told his relative that we donot have good understanding ,,i dont knw everything is finished from his side but still i love him one day he send me mail that i aplogies for everything i m very sorry ,what to do i try my level best to forget him but i cant i love him a lot and its impossible for me to move on , how i move on plzzzzzzzzzzzz help somebody

  42. 08 Dec 11 1:12 am

    M 16 and confused.seems like no one will evr undrstnd my situation here coz mostly couples break up only if the other had cheated or u knw the most thngs dat myks ppl break up.I wana break up with my boyfriend bcoz I feel lyk he is not trying at all to meet my heart’s needs.I am nt happy wth hm whenever I thnk of him I feel hurt nd cry.this is nt how I wana live my life I dnt wana b unhappy for the rest of my life.we were happy b4.nd whn thngs started 2 change I told hm how I felt but he is not trying 2 myk it up 2 me.I am tired of dis relationship but I just cnt find ways 2 4get abt hm.iv been surfing the web but nothing seems to help.pls give me a very strong nd effective way 2 get rid of him in my mind coz I knw I cnt in my heart.oh nd I dnt find any othr men attractive for in case u wanted to offer me dat advice.thnk u

  43. negar
    10 Jan 12 2:29 pm

    I suppose your advises are really helpful.I have broken up with my boyfriend 2 years a go mind you., i cand forget him till now and the worse thibg is that i can be in a relatinship because everything reminded him for me.nowadays i m really lonely i havent even a single miss call in a week and just my friends sometimes call me .i cant move on i dont know what to do .every day i wake up with sadness my days are all gloomy i really need help

  44. Dina
    12 Jun 12 10:04 pm

    I was getting close with a man who has a wifey and two kids.I called him brother, he called me little sis.. Almost one and half year we go thru life and I can’t imagine how wonderful my life since he came.. He is good man. One day he told my his wifey pregnant.. Suddenly I felt this is the right time to let him go forever because I won’t her wifey sad if know her huby in relationship with me.. A few night ago I sent him email to say that I must go forever” and I dedicated Goodbye my lover song for him. You know what at last I’m so positive to say that I love this man so much.. It was hurting and same time my boyfriend in Amsterdam said ” You must marry him.. I bless you baby”.

  45. [...] find you boring and unappealing – that will also be true. So the first thing to do – if you truly want to know how to attract men – is to work on building your self-belief. But of [...]

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