Summary – Requested post on how to know he’s the one?

Do you have some free time? Maybe we can help a good friend of mine Ms Azuwachan with her question.

Problem – She is currently in doubt with her feeling. She is not sure whether or not she is in love with this person or not. so she asked “How to make sure that you REALLY like someone” and how should she best handle the situation.

Pondering about this does bring up lots of memories hehe. This is what I think about it.

1) You are on the right track
Love really is the most mysterious thing in the world. People have been discussing on what love really is since the beginning of time itself. So don’t be surprised if you are confused. Everybody knows that love exist, but nobody can really put a definition on love.

Being confused on your feeling is actually a good thing. With other friends, you either like or dislike, period. Bestfriends maybe you like more. But to this person, it will be very confusing. He makes you feel so comfortable like a friend, but most of the time, he makes you feel special. And when he did something bad, the hate and sadness can sometimes be very overwhelming. Seriously that is one of the key indication that you are in love with the guy. But of course there is other factor involved.

2) Eliminate what he’s not
There are some things in a relationship that may have the same effect as love. They are not love per se, but they can be mistakenly felt like love. So let’s try to eliminate them

• Is he just a crush?

Crush is actually the same as instant love. You see him, and you felt in love completely… Now how to know whether it is a crush or not? Just check if you know anything about the guy. Crush almost always happen without you having the slightest information on the guy. For example, a crush with the new boy in school.

• Is it due to gratitude?

Sometimes, people go to great deals to help you, with no expectation to get rewarded. You can sometimes feel like owing so much from him that you may feel like liking him more. That’s not love, that’s just your subconcious mind trying to reduce the feeling of gratitude. So check yourself, you will know the answer once you know the question.. (wow very abstract of me)

• Is it due to him being famous? (Edited)

Some people is just so good with people, and they instantly can attract others to like them with their sense of humor, or their knowledge. Usually they are quite famous with people around then. We may like them so much (because they are simply very likeable) that we confused the feeling with love.

There are other factors but I think these three are the most important ones. Usually when we’ve already eliminate these factors, it will be clear that you love him for no apparent reason. Usually that is love 🙂

3) Love is no point 1, point 2 and point 3

All said, love is never a matter we can explain. You love someone, you just know it. You define yourself what is love to you and you honor it. Up until now, I can never describe what I love about my wife. Maybe I can describe them, but believe me the list will be a never ending ones, because I love everything about her, the good and bad and how they complete me.

So answering your question simply, I think if he is special enough that you overcame your shyness and asked in your blog, he is REALLY that special. Give him a chance, but be wise…. 🙂

————–Personal Note————-
I’m sure all friends have more interesting ideas on the big question. Do share..For me, it is always better to give a chance to 10 wrong people, than to miss that one who is the one. – My quote eheh

Summary – Expect things to change in a marriage

Wife: You always carry my photo in your purse Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

/end joke

To tell you the truth, I don’t think the above joke is funny. But if you surf the net, you will find a whole genre of jokes all devoted to describe how marriage is the ultimate torture.

Marriage is some of the most beautiful gift given by Allah to us. How can it be a torture? Where could it go wrong? There are so many ways, and this is (in my opinion) one of the major factors.

When we get married, we sometime make the biggest mistake of thinking our life will be the same. It is not. If before we always have time for ourselves, reading books, surfing the net.. after marriage we must make room for our spouses. Everything will change, but for people who know this fact beforehand, they will gladly make the change, to live happily with the spouse. Instead of enjoying their time alone, they can now enjoy them together. These are the people who delighted to give room and compromise for their spouses and often can live the fairy tale end of happily ever after.

But to those who expect things to be the same, they will feel choked with all the room taken away from them. But instead of thinking on ways to compromise, they will blame the spouse entirely. They can’t read their favorite books, or go out with friends and they assume it is all because of their marriage. That’s why they will never find happiness.

The secret to all this is to compromise. Compromise means we try to meet at the middle when there is conflict. For example, the husband likes fishing but the wife doesn’t want him to go, However the wife likes to jog but the husband are just too lazy to do that. Maybe they can come up with a compromise, that the wife will have to make peace with the husband’s hobby of fishing in return, the husband will have to accompany her jogging. That is a good compromise. Try to strive for win-win situation.

This is our wife or husband we are talking about, It must always be our intention to make them happy. So please be considerate. We are all new at this, so give each other a break once in a while. 🙂 The most important message here is that expect things to change in a marriage… all we can do is to adapt and compromise. We WILL live happily every after.

How About you? How did you handle conflict alike?

Summary – Tips : Never go to bed angry

First of all, on behalf of my dear wife, I would like to say thank you for all the wishes. All those kind words and wishes are actually prayer (Doa). And we pray to Allah that we will be given the strength for the years to come and the same blessing if not more is given to you.

We are just one year old. Very new if compared to some of you. There’s so much to learn about marriage. And I sincerely hope that maybe you guys can throw in any tips on how to live a happier life as husband n wife.. Tips from bachelors /bachelorettes are also equally welcomed. I have met some of my bachelor friends who actually offered great tips. Maybe you read it somewhere or from your observation of your parents. Do share… however insignificant you may think it is. As for myself, I’ve seen a movie that actually gave a great tips to happy marriage.

Never Go To Bed Angry At Each Other

Argument in a marriage is very common. If you never come across an argument in your marriage, something is very wrong. So why we cannot continue the argument tomorrow? Simply because sleeping is when our subconcious mind works the best. Have you ever wonder about a problem until you sleep, and you found out that you know the solution exactly tomorrow. Or how dreams can actually show your innermost desire and guide you.

Subconcious mind is a very powerful tool. However like any other powerful tools, if used wrongly, it can be very dangerous. You see, if we go to bed, hating each other with the argument unsolved. The mind will start trying to solve the problem. Since the solution actually requires the two of you to sit down and talk, the mind will not be able to solve it. And thus, it will revert to the next method which is to write it down somewhere for the mind to work on another day.

Subconciously your hate and anger to your spouse will be recorded, and accumulate with more arguments. It will be no surprise, if one day, the both of you will see that there is no more love, only hate. Which is why you should never go to bed angry at each other. Solve everything before hand

If you know any other tips, do share ya. Let’s learn from each other.

Summary – How Friday prayer highlighted the importance of listening.

Thanx for those who replied to my question in the previous entry. It is really a difficult question, I must say… to figure out what to say to the world. And the fact that the world is listening is not really helping.

If for example, you are asked to speak to thousands of people on a gathering, and you know for certain they will not be listening. Maybe you speak in another language, or that the microphone is faulty. I believe you will be able to kill the time effectively with your speech. Am I correct?

The fact is, listening to what people say is actually 40 times more important than giving the speech. Why 40? This is my personal opinion. If we look into the Friday prayer (for muslim), one of the condition that must be fulfilled for the prayer to be valid (sah) is to have 1 person delivering the “khutbah”, and 40 people actually listen and understand the “khutbah”. If only 39 people listen, then technically the whole group’s solat will not be valid.

There is no survey to check after the solat whether there is enough 40 people, or 40 people assigned to really listen. It really comes down to the individuals. They should know better that the “khutbah” is given to be listened and understood. Nobody should enforce you to listen.

Then there is a “hadis” always read before the “khutbah” saying that you must not speak during the khutbah, even with the intention to shh others. My personal interpretation on this is that, even if you are not listening, you must not interfere with other people who does. The message must always be respected. It took great courage to speak, advising and teaching people. If we disrespect the action, sooner or later, there will be no person to teach or advise. Think of the chaos that will do.

I’m not saying that we must be silent everytime other spoke. Both speaking and listening is important, that is without one of them, the Solat will not be valid. I’m just saying that listening really is 40 times more important.

Hopefully those who read this, will understand (listen to) the message.

————— Personal Note ————————–
I’m not trying to boast about what I do, but people do come to me asking my opinion on things, usually it’s relationship based. Not that I’m an expert. It’s just that I learnt from other people’s experience and make it a personal lesson for me.

The thing is, the people who I had previously advised on a problem, usually will come across the same problem over and over again. They just won’t listen. Yes, I completely understand that my opinion may not be the best, but he/she should at least listen and think about it. Not later come to me and say, “I should listen to you”.

Had this happened to you?